ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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