New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
we should paint friendship bongs
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
