So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
