How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
