that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
