Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
