I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
