Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
