dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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