He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
