he told me I talked like a deaf person
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
