Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
