I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
