3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
