hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
