I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
