The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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