You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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