Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
