Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
