dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
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