This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
