You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
false alarm. still invincible.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize