Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I intend to get homeless drunk
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Just puked most of my soul out..
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
