My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
