I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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