I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
We have so much sex to catch up on
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
