If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
