Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
