there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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