textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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