Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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