she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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