I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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