I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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