One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
