3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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