I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
