Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
