we should wear snuggies to the strip club
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
