Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Shame - the story of my life.
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