Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
