My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
