Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
