Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
