So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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