I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
