Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
