I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
