I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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